Heart-Steps Therapy 3
The Human Condition & The Creation of Memories: Our Subconscious Minds

Heart-Steps Therapy Book

will help you to identify and understand about abuse and the unavoidable consequences. I have shared my story as an example of the many types of abuse. Through reading my story and this therapy you will learn to love yourself by repairing your damaged sense of self and distorted belief system of what you believe to be true about yourself and the world. It also will help you to repair your maladaptive coping skills and behavior patterns. You are never, ever alone. Heart-Steps Therapy Book

Contact Me: please send me an Email: and write “TPW” in the subject area.

Heart-Steps Therapy 1Rosalie, My Memoir
HST 1 Rosalie, My Memoir

Heart-Steps Therapy 2
About Me: My Professional Life

HST 2 About Me: My Professional Life

Heart-Steps Therapy 4
Self Therapy

HST 4 Self Therapy
Heart-Steps Therapy 5
Emotional Intimacy Therapy

HST 5 Emotional Intimacy Therapy

Heart-Steps Therapy 6
Sexual Intimacy Therapy

HST 6 Sexual Intimacy Therapy

Heart-Steps Therapy 7
Graphic Tales

HST 7 Graphic Tales

Heart-Steps Therapy 8
Your Story

HST 8 Your Story

The Human Condition & the Creation of Memories: Our Subconscious Minds

When we are born, everything that we see, hear and experience and the feelings attached are stored in our subconscious minds including having been abused. Our subconscious minds retain a minute-to-minute record from the time of our very existence up to this minute, and this minute, and on and on. Our subconscious minds store everything along the emotions we felt at the time. We experience this record as memories. Our subconscious minds reveal only those events that we are ready to face, but the mournful truth is that regardless if we remember or not, we will suffer the consequences of abuse. We suffer the toll of abuse in varying degrees and in various ways along with deceptions so fierce and profound that they have provoked lifelong struggles within us.

Psychological Prisons: The Invisible Wounds

When we suffer abuse we become stuck in psychological prisons. Our sense of self is damaged and then this creates our distorted feelings and a belief system of what we believe to be true about ourselves and the world and then this creates our maladaptive coping skills and behavior patterns / intimacy issues.

We suffer the toll in consequences in varying degrees and in various ways and deceptions so fierce and profound that they provoke lifelong struggles within us. To look at ourselves we may think that we survived abuse in one piece. No. Not really. Not by a long shot. None of us do. There is always death of the spirit, heart, soul and mind to some extent. Sometimes there is also physical death.

Deep inside our true selves the very essence of us struggles to come out to answer that question of who we are and who we would have been if we did not suffer abuse. The truth is that we will never know because that part of us because it exists only in our imaginations of ‘if only’. The true essence of us at times still lives in shadows, so that we don’t have a sense of who we really are except for a handful of memories of who we were before we were abused (of course this part does not apply if we were abused as children). These memories exist in moments that pass through our minds in glimpses too quickly for us to behold, and then in the blink of an eye, they vanish and are gone.

It is difficult for us to shed our old skins, to stop clinging to them, because it is a known skin, even though we know all too well that it is damaging and destructive to us. As the years pass after suffering abuse we still feel as if we have been savagely captured and disposed of into hell. We feel as if we are falling through a putrid air as the stench of who we have become is forced into our every pore and it is without end. We are wrapped in a mortal sorrow and deep sadness which echoes within our entire beings and then reverberates out, as it spins us into webs, ever tangling and knotting us and ripping us into shreds.

Broken Children and their Recreation of Abuse

The Regrettable Tradition

When someone recreates abusive this is a regrettable tradition. This is the basic destructive pattern of relationships. Either way, submissive or dominant behavior fulfills the prophecy of self-damage and this is what happens most of the time. When we become involved in abusive relationships, it does not matter which side of the abuse we are on, as it’s just the flip side of a coin. We can waffle back and forth between being submissive and dominant. Submissive behavior reinforces that our abusers was right, that we deserved to be abused. Dominant behavior reinforces that we will never allow anyone to abuse us again. Either way, submissive or dominant, reflects our suffering. Either way it’s destructive and reinforces the negatives.

Mothers / Fathers

Note: For the purposes of simplicity, I will refer to the child as he.

Mothers / fathers should be loving and caring. When they hold their child close and kiss him, he believes this is love. They live a selfless, boundless, infinite and unconditional love, of and for their child and when this happens this child’s life is on a loving path, and the bond blossoms. In addition the bond between a child and his mother develops before birth within the warm embrace of her womb. After he is born, his mother’s womb is replaced by her heart, as she cares for and comforts him, loving him simply because he is.

However, if the mother / father physically or emotionally or psychologically kicks their child to the floor, this child believes that this is love because he needs to believe he is loved. If he does not believe this is love, he then believes he must be bad, and that his mother / father is responding to his badness and that being abused is his fault and deserved. When this happens, the child believes he is so bad that his own mother / father do not love him or that love is so bad and so he suffers the worst corruption of love. He will have feelings of deep sadness, hopelessness, longing and despair, mixed with a fierce anger that will permeate his every breath. It would be so much easier if the bond with his mother / father just broke and vanished into thin air, somehow forever separating him from them so that he would be set free, but that doesn’t happen. The bond the child has with his mother / father exists distorted and ever strong, provoking his existence to crumble and fragment and so, his life then is on a destructive path, and the bond he has with his mother / father festers and most likely he will recreate abuse.

As a therapist a male patient who was abused by his mother told me that a little boy is supposed to do whatever his mother wants to make her happy, because if it makes his mother happy then it must be right. He added that if a boy does not make his mother happy, then any punishment or pain she inflicts on him is deserved.  A male patient who was abused by his father told me that no matter how hard he tries, he just cannot measure up to his father. He feels he is not a man whenever he is overcome by his father’s disgust of him, which leads to his own self-disgust. A female patient who was abused by her mother told me that she feels she has never had an attachment to her mother, never feeling a bond. Her attempts to feel love from her mother have all been in vain, no matter how desperately she has tried. So now, she does anything to make her mother mad, because feeling her mother’s anger is better than not feeling her mother at all. A female patient who was abused by her father told me that she hates him because of his rejection of her. She was never ‘daddy’s little girl’ as she was meant to be. As she began dating, she compared all men to her father, choosing those just like him because she believes this is what she deserves.

An Abusive and Non-Abusive Parent

When a child is abused, it’s detrimental to his life. The non-abusive parent’s action or inaction is based on different factors. Either way, the child will be affected.

The nature of the non-abusive parent is generally determined by the nature of the relationship he or she had with his or her own mother / father. For example: the non-abusive parent may have been abused as a child and feels there was and is no way to prevent abuse and may feel that he or she deserved to be abused and that this applies to his or her child and so it is tolerated and ignored. On the other hand he or she may stand up for his or her child, defending and protecting him as best he or she can even though he or she believes that all mothers and fathers are all powerful, and therefore he or she is powerless. And then on the other hand the non-abusive parent may not care or doesn’t want to become involved or doesn’t know that what is happening to his or her child is abuse. If one parent is abusive, the child will look to the non-abusive parent to get them out of that horrific situation.

When a child grows up like this, it‘s natural for them to feel resentment toward both parents: for the abusive parent because of the suffering they were made to endure; toward the non-abusive parent for not finding an escape to stop the abuse. Along with feelings of resentment, the child may also have feelings of guilt, believing that they should not have any bad feelings toward either parent because no matter what, they are still the parents.

Abused as a Child and as an Adult

When abused as a child and then when an adult, still you will seek out loving partners. When you find them, you may experience the subconscious inevitable and expected treachery when you sabotage the relationships. In your mind you may have a memory or sense thinking if your own mother and father didn’t love you, why would someone else. Abusive relationships are the only tolerable relationships that you can be a part of. So the chance that you will become involved with others, who also need to live out this adverse drama, is always greater than not. And if someone who can cause you to suffer does not find you, then you will find them. After a time of living this way, you may give up on love and abandon any thoughts of having a loving relationship, even though deep in your heart, you want love for your very own. You may only date those who are submissive. You don’t have to be in control, but you will not allow anyone to ever again be in control of you. When you think about your partners, at first glance, they may seem to be different, but at second glance, you realize that they are more similar than dissimilar, because some form of abuse is always involved. Every relationship you have ever had since birth has created a base for all of your relationships, including adult romantic relationships.

Graphic Tales of Abuse

A patient said that ...

1. when he was a teenager his mother would come into his bed wearing a flimsy robe. She would then ask him to give her a massage until she fell asleep. Sometimes her robe would open, and when it didn’t, he opened it. He was unable to take his eyes off her.

2. his mother abandoned him when he was eight years old. There was a custody hearing and his father made him say bad things about his mother. Since then she refuses to see him. In addition, when he was a child, his older brother forced him to have sex with him.

3. he is trying to get custody of his children because his wife was abusive to him and neglected their children.

4, when he was a teenager, his mother caught him masturbating. She spanked him and then made him masturbate her to orgasm, threatening to tell his father if he refused.

5. when he was a teenager, his mother and sister demanded he lay down on the floor. They then laughed at his penis, and took turns stepping on it.

6. when he was a child he was physically, verbally, and sexually abused by his mother and father and by people they knew. His mother always told him that he’s pathetic looking. She also told him that he’s a burden. He said he was made to choose between her and his father. He wanted his father but knew he had better choose his mother so she would let him survive. He said his twin brother was treated much better than he.

7. when he was a child he was sexually abused by a female school bus driver.

8. when he was a child his father grabbed his hand, held it tight, and made him hit another child. His father would then watch as the other child hurt him. He said his family has abandoned him, telling him that he will burn in hell. He’s lonely without his family.

9. he has a vague memory of his father being in bed with him and rubbing up against him when he was a child. He thinks this is why he’s afraid that he’s a homosexual. He said he likes to be spanked very hard with hair brushes.

10. he was verbally abused by his father when he was a child.

11. he was sexually abused by his sister and his cousins when he was a child. His male boss has even attempted to have sex with him but he was able to fight him off.

12. when he was a child he was sexually abused by his neighbor for five years.

13. he was never allowed to have friends because he had to stay close to his mother all the time. From about four to fifteen years of age his mother would rub his buttocks and penetrate his anus with her finger. She then would dress him up in girls’ clothing and take him over to her friend’s house. His mother would then undress him, tie a rope around his penis, and pull him around the house. She would then put girls’ panties on him and have him sit on the floor by her feet, scolding him for looking up her dress, even though she had just told him to. His mother would then make him kiss her from her shoes up to her white cotton panties that she had pulled aside by the time he reached there. She would then lay down on the floor and say he should take his panties off and rub his penis against her vagina, and to go back inside her where he came from. Once she had an orgasm, his mother would tell him he was her washcloth and that he should lick her vagina clean. He remembers that sometimes a boy would be present. His mother would tell the other boy to penetrate him and then have him perform oral sex. Sometimes he was spanked and tied.

14. his mother always told him that he was worthless.

15. his mother has always told him that he makes her so unhappy that she has no choice but to slap him in the face.

16. when he was a child his mother and grandmother would tell him that he didn’t look well and that he needed an enema. While his grandmother gave him the enema, his mother masturbated him to ejaculation. They would then rub his testicles telling him that his ejaculation was like making, and that it was disgusting. His mother told him that his father’s and his grandfather’s penis were much bigger than his. His grandmother made him oink like a pig, adding that all men are animals. They told him that all mothers and grandmothers do these things. He said that his mother died before he could confront her, but he did ask his grandmother how they could have done this to him. He said she stood in front of him and undressed. She then lay down on the floor, telling him to straddle her. He said he ejaculated in her face immediately because he was so excited and felt that now finally, he had the power.

17. his mother has always rejected him. She treats her as a failure and ridicules and demeans him all the time. His father has also rejected him in the past few years, because he has refused his sexual advances.

18, his father made him and his mother watch him when he masturbated.

19. when he was a child his mother and his father deprived him of seeing doctors and dentists, even when it was an emergency. They told him that pain would build his character.

20. he was forced to watch his mother and father have sex. He even had to watch when his father had sex with other women.

21. when he was living at home with his parents, his father did not allow him to shower every day. His father told him there was no point to it, because no woman would ever want him.

22. as far back as he can remember, his mother always told him that when he was born, she should have thrown him in the garbage.

23. when his wife was a child she was abused by her father. She physically and verbally abuses him and the children. She throws things, hits and has even gone after him with a knife. He said when his wife is abusive he forces her to the floor, and holds her down with his knee in her back. He then grips her hair and as he jerks her head around, threatening her that he will break her neck. This controls her. He said she has alienated him from his family so that they don’t even speak to him anymore. He hasn’t been in love with his wife for a long time, but stays because of the children. He was attracted to a woman who works for him. He said he did try to resist but couldn’t, and so they had an affair which he ended a couple of months ago.

24. when he was a child, his mother made him bark like a dog whenever he wanted anything.

25. he was physically and verbally abused by his father when he was a child. He knows that his mother could have stopped his father but she didn’t.

26. he remembers when he was a child, his mother would stand him on a chair and kiss and hug him telling him how much she loved him. Then one day when he woke up, she was gone. His father sent him to live with relatives in another state. About a year later when his father found his mother, he was allowed to go back home. He said he longed for his mother to stand him on the chair as before. He wanted his mommy back. After a few months she did again stand him on the chair but it was very different this time. She would bite his face over and over again, take out a butcher knife and threaten to chop him up, and then beat him in the head with a frying pan. He said he forgives her because he now knows that she’s sick. But he is very angry at his father because he did nothing to stop her. Years ago, his father walked in on him while he was masturbating. His father left the room but then returned to watch. Since then, his father has told him that he’s no good, and that he would never amount to anything. He told his father that what he sees is what he and his mother have made him.

27. when he was eleven years of age his mother asked her sister to tutor him. She agreed and invited him to go to her house. When he arrived, his aunt was there with an older friend of hers. The friend made him have sex with his aunt and then she spanked him until he cried.

28. he was neglected and physically abused by his father when he was a child. He also witnessed his father verbally abusing his mother and knew that he had been unfaithful to her.

29. when he was a child, as his mother was beating him she screamed that there wouldn’t be a woman on earth that would ever want him.

30. when he was a child, his mother has always rejected him. She has never been affectionate. She treats him as a failure and ridicules and demeans him all the time. In the past few years, his father has rejected him also.

31. he was in a relationship with a woman who cut and stabbed him whenever she was mad.

32. his mother and father beat him with a belt when he was a child. He said that also the kids in school bullied him all the way from kindergarten to high school.

33. his mother has been telling him how good looking he used to be and how fat and disgusting he is now.

34. when he was a child his mother undressed in front of him. He said he feels this hurt his manhood.

35. when he was a child, his mother would take his temperature in his anus even when he was not sick. His mother would invite her friends over to watch and also let them put the thermometer in and out of his anus. His brothers and male friends would hold him down as he cried and struggled to get away. They would undress him and laugh as they played with his nipples and penis. He cried in vain for his mother to help him, but she didn‘t.

36. he was abandoned as a child.

37. when he was a teenager his father made him use alcohol and drugs and forced him to having sex with his male friends. He said he pretended he was a girl to be able to get through it.

Spankings: My View

Sadly there are many reasons why any family unit can disintegrate. I do not believe in spankings or inflicting even minimal psychological / physical pain on a child because even minimal is too much. There are so many articles written today asking if spankings to discipline equal abuse. After reading story after story about children who have been harmed by spankings and other mistreatment, I can see this. In fact, I believe that a spanking could be the gateway to all kinds of abuse. I have spoken to people who believe that spankings are not abuse. They feel that the lack of spankings has caused an increase in children becoming criminals. I do not believe this at all. I do believe that spankings and any kind of abuse, including psychological abuse, against children, increases their chances of becoming criminals because they have been taught that violence is the solution. Any kind of negative psychological / physical contact of a child breeds angry and potentially violent teenagers and adults more times than not. I believe that as mothers were forced to go to work because of the changing economy, and were made to leave their children with other family members / friends / in day care, to me this caused the breakdown of the family unit. Even when children were watched by loving family members, they still were not ‘mom or dad’. Even when children were watched by loving friends, they still were not ‘mom or dad’. And of course day care put children with strangers and even if children received loving care, again, not ‘mom or dad’. Then as children got older they were home alone without their moms or dads. There wasn’t any immediate hands-on guidance and this set the stage for trouble.

back to top
The Psyche Workshop

Abuse and Consequences
The Psyche Workshop

My captivation with the mind, together with my humanitarian nature, my varied professional training and experiences, my therapy talents, and through my past and ongoing extensive research and studies, has guided me on a journey in which I am blessed in that I am able to help people. In addition, through my personal past, I have learned to turn my misery into time well spent. Helping others has always been where my heart is and my lifelong desire, both personally and professionally. My goal is to continue on this path.

Bless the Abused
Bless the Abused

Bless the Abused Facebook Page

Real stories of abuse.
Awareness and support.
You can tell your own story without using your name.
Tears of My Family
Tears of My Family

Fact or Fiction is about my son, Joseph and my rendition of how the protect and serve aspect of the law is not law after all..
Brothers Forever Together is about the loss of my nephews, Steven and Matthew.
"Cremate me and throw my ashes down the sewer" is about the loss of my brother Joseph.

The Sad Truth about Elder Care

The Sad Truth about Elder Care

In February 2008 my mom became sick. Well my research left me in a fatal state of dismay and disgust. This is my research study about Nursing Homes / Rehabilitation Facilities.