Heart Steps Therapy

MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS and BEHAVIOR PATTERNS re: TROUBLE IN PARADISE: EMOTIONAL & SEXUAL INTIMACY

DAMAGED SENSE OF SELF and resulting FEELINGS and a DISTORTED BELIEF SYSTEM of what you believe to be true about yourself and the world.
SELF-EXPRESSION JOURNAL & MIND THEATRE SCRIPTS

DESCRIPTIONS & CAUSES & SEX THERAPY

STATISTICS

IN ENDING

THE HUMAN CONDITION

Everything that we see, hear and experience is stored in our subconscious minds along with the emotions we felt at the time. It retains a minute-to-minute record from the time of our very existence up to this minute, and this minute, and on and on. We experience this record as memories. This includes suffering abuse. Our subconscious minds reveal only those events that we are ready to face, but the mournful truth is that regardless if we remember or not, we will suffer the consequences of abuse.

I BECAME A THERAPIST

I wish I could remember that moment of clarity: that moment I finally understood that something was terribly wrong with me and my life. I would celebrate and have a party and fall to my knees and thank God. But there wasn’t just one moment as I realized it was a series of many moments. It was falling down a well and the little by little reaching the top. And once I did that, at the moment of fully understanding, I wanted to use my heart, soul and mind to embrace those who are or have suffered abuse. I wanted to use my voice to speak for those who couldn’t for so many reasons. So I studied to become a therapist and created a therapy blueprint which helped me and others in my therapy practice. This is therapy specifically for people who are suffering or have suffered abuse. Please make a commitment to begin this therapy and continue for as long as it takes because it can help you more than you can imagine. You may have to repeat it and that’s okay.

MY MISSION STATEMENT

My captivation with the mind, together with my humanitarian nature, my varied professional training and experiences, my therapy talents, and through my past and ongoing extensive research and studies, has guided me on a journey in which I am blessed in that I am able to help people. In addition, through my personal past, I have learned to turn my misery into time well spent. Helping others has always been where my heart is and my lifelong desire, both personally and professionally. My goal is to continue on this path.

So yes, I studied to become therapist and through my studies and internships with psychologists, social workers and numerous mental health professionals, I opened my own practice and started to treat my own patients. I soon came to realize that my training was incomplete evident in the fact that there were times I was unable to help someone. Predominantly my patients were men who had been abused and suffered consequences of their sense of self, emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy problems. I aggressively researched and then more times than not, I was able to identify the root cause during my patient’s first session. In fact, psychologists and social workers consulted with me and referred their patients to me. During the time of my practice, I saw my patients, wrote articles which were published, did radio interviews, lectured a few times at a hospital and had speaking engagements at libraries.

The Downside of In-Person Therapy with the Men in My Professional Life

I remembered when I was studying to become a therapist to help men who suffered abuse or another psychological trauma / conflict-based issue in consequences of sexual dysfunctions. During my internship I was told that I had to do sexual acts on the patients. Well that was not going to happen! I was shocked because the people who were in charge were social workers and psychologists. And though it wasn’t just me who was told to engage in sexual acts, to me it sounded like my same old story. I left and then within a few weeks I found a psychologist who hired me to work under her guidance and there was no sex!

When I felt comfortable, I opened my own office and there it was again! As I was moving in, my landlord came in and as I turned around to look at him, he stood with his pants and underwear down by his ankles! I was furious as he was motioning for me to go to him and please be quiet. Seeing the look on my face and my anger brewing, he pulled up his underwear and pants and never did that again to me!

Then, as the years passed there were more and more of my patients, who would interrupt me when I was talking to them and tell me to stop the bullshit talk of sex therapy and would demand sex. There were those men who tried to inappropriately touch me while I was talking to them about their problems. There were those men who called me a variety of sexually degrading names. It seemed like I would never be able to escape feeling so small and dirty. I told these patients emphatically that they should make their appointments elsewhere but I did let them stay and come back and endured their disparaging remarks because I needed the money to feed my children. Still, I knew that I should close my practice because it was out of hand and so was I, Then one day I received a call from the newspaper in which I ran my ad for years. I was informed that they were pulling my ad because a man called and complained that I made him pay for sex. Undoubtedly this was someone I had repeatedly said no to sex.

I struggled for the next couple of months to keep my practice going, but most of the money I made came from new patients and without my ad, there weren’t any. I even started to clean the bathrooms in my office building to reduce my rent. But still, I had no choice but to close the business. I was so weary but then after about nine or ten months, I reopened my practice. In the beginning there were days when I just wanted to go home and crawl under the covers, but I fought hard, very hard. I thought that now that I had put on some weight, these men would finally pay attention to my knowledge and let me help them. I thought that in time to come when my youth and beauty were gone, the focus of these men would be different. When I felt a little better about myself, I called up some of my old patients who never gave me problems and we resumed their sessions. But now even these good patients gave me problems. They made fun of me, remarking about my weight, going on and on about how thin and beautiful I used to be. There was this one patient who came to see me and as he walked in the door, he looked at me and said he had to go to the bathroom and so I gave him the key. I waited about fifteen minutes before I decided to check on him to see if he was okay. As I opened the door to my office, there on the floor was the bathroom key. He was gone. There was another time when I called one of my patients to cancel his appointment because I was afraid of slipping on the snow and ice. He told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to fall because I had plenty of padding. Time went on and these men regularly carved their unkind words into my heart. Still, even at that, they were relentless in asking me for sex. Now though, they asked as if they were doing me a favor, saying no one wants to have sex with a fat girl, but they would.

In retaliation, I crossed a line that changed everything. There came this day when I held a patient captive in my office for about an hour because of his sexually degrading behavior and words and his refusal to pay me. He begged and pleaded with me to unlock the door and let him out. I wasn’t going to hurt him, but needed for him to understand that I was not going to take his abuse or anyone else’s abuse anymore. I dragged him over to a table and pointed out pictures of my children adding he needed to pay me for them. This patient apologized and paid me and then I let him out. After that day, even at the slightest provocation, I began striking a few of these men. Every time, right after I hit someone, I was scared because it was so sudden and happened without thought. This was not me!

I stopped seeing men who had sexual dysfunctions but continued to see men with fetishes because they never bothered me about sex. They wanted me to role play with them with me being the dominatrix. I dressed in black leather, using my hands and objects to hurt. My mouth was like a verbal machine gun. I had a sick sense of satisfaction thinking that I finally found a way for men to listen to me and behave. I told myself that this was just a role play and didn’t matter because these men wanted it and were willing to pay for it. I knew that most of these men had fetishes because they had been abused as children. I realized that regardless of how angry I was my heart, soul and mind could not justify my behavior. So I took the shreds of what was left of me and carried on with the business back to seeing men who had sexual dysfunctions and not men with fetishes unless that just wanted to talk. I promised myself that I would get out as soon as I could, as soon as I had enough money. But before then I again fought constantly with these men as they continued to cheapen me.

What was it with all these men and their blatant disrespect for me?

I just couldn’t understand why they mistreated me this way. In the beginning these same men constantly complimented me. Some of them said I had an exotic look about me. When I told my friends, we laughed as we tried to figure out what it was I had. I came to realize that it wasn’t something I had but something I didn’t have. These men were disrespectful to me because I didn’t have any respect for myself and they knew it. It was written all over me. So then whenever a man was disrespectful to me and treated me as if I was only good for sex, I said that I did have self-respect now. Well each of them laughed in my face and said they didn’t believe it. I wasn’t surprised because I really didn’t believe it either. But this was a new day. This was the new me. I was strong and not a victim anymore. I had come such a long way and was never ever going backwards. I asked myself for the very last time if my husband and these men were right that I was only good for sex and was worthless. All 5’1” of me stood tall and proud and my answer was no. I packed up my office and never looked back.

I did not want to give up helping people so I created:

HEART-STEPS THERAPY

My therapy blueprint will help you in the following ways re:

This is therapy to help you if you have been ABUSED.

It and helps to repair your DAMAGED SENSE OF SELF and resulting FEELINGS of your DISTORTED BELIEF SYSTEM of what you believe to be true about yourself and the world.

It also helps to repair your MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS and BEHAVIOR PATTERNS re: TROUBLE IN PARADISE: EMOTIONAL & SEXUAL INTIMACY.

THERAPY SESSIONS

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR A THERAPY SESSION
I am offering sessions any way but in-person.
Please email me at thepsycheworkshop@gmail.com and write “Session” in the subject area.
In your email please state how you would like to communicate.
You don’t have to use your real name initially.
All sessions are private and confidential.
And always remember you are not and never will be alone

MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS and BEHAVIOR PATTERNS re: TROUBLE IN PARADISE: EMOTIONAL & SEXUAL INTIMACY

DAMAGED SENSE OF SELF and resulting FEELINGS and a DISTORTED BELIEF SYSTEM of what you believe to be true about yourself and the world.
SELF-EXPRESSION JOURNAL & MIND THEATRE SCRIPTS

DESCRIPTIONS & CAUSES & SEX THERAPY

STATISTICS

IN ENDING

ABUSE

CHILD ABUSE: MOTHERS, FATHERS AND OTHER CAREGIVERS

Note: for the purposes of simplicity, I will refer to the child as he.

A mother is either ‘the good mother’ or the ‘bad mother’. The bond between a child and his mother develops before birth within the warm embrace of her womb. After he is born, his mother’s womb is replaced by her heart, as she cares for and comforts him, loving him simply because he is. When a mother holds her child close and kisses him, he believes this is love. This is the ‘good mother' who lives a selfless, boundless, infinite and unconditional love, of and for her child and then his life is on a loving path, and the bond blossoms.

However, if the mother is abusive, the child believes this is love because he needs to believe he is loved / he believes he must be bad, and that his mother is responding to his badness and that being abused is his fault and deserved. When this happens this child suffers the worst corruption of love. He will have feelings of deep sadness, hopelessness, longing and despair, mixed with a fierce anger that will permeate his every breath. It would be so much easier if the bond with his mother just broke and vanished into thin air, somehow forever separating him from her so that he would be set free, but that doesn’t happen. The bond the child has with his mother exists distorted and ever strong, provoking his existence to crumble and fragment and so, his life then is on a destructive path, and the bond he has with his mother festers and most likely he will recreate abuse.

RECREATION OF ABUSE

When we become involved in abusive relationships, it does not matter which side of the abuse we are on, as it’s just the flip side of a coin. We waffle back and forth between being submissive and dominant. Either way, submissive or dominant, reflects our suffering. Either way it’s destructive and reinforces the negatives. If we recreate abuse it is a regrettable tradition. More often than not, children learn what they live and then as adults we live what they have learned. Dominant behavior reinforces that we will never allow anyone to abuse or control us again. Submissive behavior reinforces that our abusers were right, that we deserved to be abused, thinking if our parents, partners or other person didn’t love you, why would someone else.

Abusive relationships are the only tolerable relationships that we can be a part of. So the chance that we will become involved with others, who also need to live out an adverse drama, is always greater than not. And if we do not find this someone, through our behavior then this someone will find us. If we try to have a relationship without any give or take of abuse then we will seek out loving partners and then when we find them, we may experience the inevitable and expected treachery when we sabotage them.

PSYCHOLOGICAL PRISONS

When we have been abused we become stuck in psychological prisons this means we suffer a damaged sense of self and resulting feelings and a distorted belief system of what we believe to be true about ourselves and the world which then result in maladaptive coping mechanisms and behavior patterns. We suffer the toll in consequences in varying degrees and in various ways and deceptions so fierce and profound that they have provoked lifelong struggles within us. The abuse is deeply ingrained in us and therefore will always affect us. We need to see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us and spend time with them. We need to feel their loving thoughts and remember all kindnesses to begin healing.

To look at us others may think that we survived abuse in one piece. No. Not really. Not by a long shot. None of us do. There is always death of the spirit, heart, soul and mind to some extent. Sometimes there is also physical death.

Deep inside our true selves the very essence of us struggles to come out to answer that question of who we are and who we would have been if we did not suffer abuse. The truth is that we will never know because that part of us exists only in our imaginations of ‘if only’. The true essence of us at times still live in shadows, so that we don’t have a sense of who we really are except for a handful of memories of who we were before we suffered. These memories exist in moments that pass through our minds in glimpses too quickly for us to behold, and then in the blink of an eye, they vanish and are gone. It is difficult for us to shed your old skin, to stop clinging to it, because it is a known skin, even though we may know all too well that it is damaging and destructive to us.

As the years pass after suffering abuse we still feel as if we have been savagely captured and disposed of into hell. We feel as if we are falling through a putrid air as the stench of who we have become is forced into our every pore and it is without end. We are wrapped in a mortal sorrow and deep sadness which echoes within our entire being and then reverberates out, as it spins us into webs, ever tangling and knotting us and ripping us into shreds.

SORTING IT OUT

We suffered abuse by someone. Understanding what happened to us is very different from acceptance. But even when we do accept what happened to us, at times, we will still come up against various depths of denial along the way. We live in a world of ‘what if I someone didn’t make us suffer’. And so, we drag yesterday into our day-to-day living. We will regress back in time just long enough to reflect on those sad, sorrowful memories and experience feelings of depression, devastation and dismay. Forgotten memories will come out of hiding which previously found refuge in our forgetfulness. We will remember things we don’t want to and we will be afraid. We see ourselves through the eyes of our abuser. We see the bad and the ugly in us. Our view of ourselves is so distorted that we feel we are to blame. If we look into the eyes of our abuser we see nothing or no one looking back. We will take this as a sign of such certainty of our unworthiness. If we look into those same eyes to seek us, we will see what we think is an accurate mirror image of us. We will then see that we have become our abusers view of us. We will then live our own self-prophecy, a much worse prophecy being pale in comparison. Indeed, this person taught us well.

THE NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

We will point our fingers of blame at our abusers for ruining our lives. We will blame our abusers for causing every wrong thing that happened to us. It seems so perfect because it explains and validates our self-destructive and other adverse behavior. But it isn’t perfect because we are using this blame as a crutch. We need to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Yes, our abusers caused us to suffer. Yes, our behavior is a result of our abuse. But also yes, our self-destructive and other adverse behavior is on us.

THE NEED TO UNDERSTAND

We need to think about what happened to us and when we are ready to face it then we will know. We shouldn’t be concerned if our recollections and feelings are accurate because what you don’t remember by fact, we will remember by impressions. We will realize that what our hearts, minds and souls perceive is the truth if we were abused. So, the next time we ask ourselves if we suffered abuse and if it was really that bad, we will respond with the resounding truth! Yes it was abuse and it was really that bad! We need to understand that healing takes time, a long time and a lifetime. We need to understand that there will be days when we will take steps forward, but also days when we will still walk that same old path and take steps back. We need to understand that this will be just a temporary setback. It will not mean that we have stopped healing and recovering. We need to understand that we have to look at our reality. We can’t live in fantasyland anymore as we need to really look at what happened to us. The way, the only way that we can leave yesterday in the past where it belongs is through our memories and facing them. We will realize that all of our memories when looked at together make sense and explain thoughts and feelings which previously seem to be detached, unrelated and foreign to anything we have remembered. They also explain why at times, we have foreign feelings and behave in ways that seem to be out of character for us. We need to realize that our hate for our abusers is not a healer and that in fact it breeds the damage. Our hate for our abusers is exceeded by an even greater hate we have for ourselves.

THE NEED TO FORGIVE OURSELVES

We need to forgive ourselves especially when we feel overwhelming disgrace along with guilt, shame, regret and remorse and a sickening sense of ourselves because the longer we stayed with our abusers the longer the abuse went on especially for our children. Even if they were not abused, they witnessed us being abused. And most times they were abused also. We know our abusers made a mess of our children’s lives but so did we. How about you?

For me, at first I thought I was protecting my children when every time my husband screamed out abusive words or behaved in any abusive manner, I fought with him for my children, to defend my children! I swear I did! But still the abuse continued and went on and on and on. My fighting was not enough because my husband’s words were already out of his mouth ripping my children apart. I didn’t see a way out so it took me many years to finally get them out of harm’s way. I thought about all those times when I wanted to leave him and all the reasons why I stayed with him. And even though they seemed so valid to me at the time, they weren’t. Especially that at different times, my children begged me to divorce him. I have tried to make so many excuses for myself, but even I don’t believe them. I have tried to console myself by saying I didn’t know it was abuse and that it would cause everlasting damage. I really didn’t know I swear! Back then, the word and the meaning of abuse was not a thought. People would say that my husband and men like him weren’t treating their wives and children right or words to that effect. Then one day, someone told me that I and my children were abused. I denied it at first but I was stunned and shocked as I thought about my day-to-day life. I then realized that my children and I were abused. So I tried to assure myself that the pain I caused my children by staying with my husband maybe was not so bad because I didn’t know. The realization of this still causes me to have heart-stopping moments of clarity. It’s very hard, and gets harder with each passing year for me to understand how my deep and everlasting love for my children did not act as a wakeup call to save them. And yes I hugged them, comforted them, helped them and always, always loved them. Still I have asked myself if I am really any different from those other mothers I read about in the news, who I always condemn, because they did not protect their children. I also didn’t protect my mom, dad and siblings. For many years, for twenty years, my family opened their hearts to my husband even while he victimized each of them, even while they suffered his abuse.

We need to forgive ourselves even as we relentlessly blame ourselves and hate ourselves for the worst things we have ever done in our lives. For me, I just cannot and will not cut myself any slack. My children and family have told me that there is no need to apologize to them but I will always feel there is. I am so blessed to have my family. But eternally I feel shame on me. There are broken hearts that just cannot heal. This is mine deservedly so.

MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS and BEHAVIOR PATTERNS re: TROUBLE IN PARADISE: EMOTIONAL & SEXUAL INTIMACY

DAMAGED SENSE OF SELF and resulting FEELINGS and a DISTORTED BELIEF SYSTEM of what you believe to be true about yourself and the world.
SELF-EXPRESSION JOURNAL & MIND THEATRE SCRIPTS

DESCRIPTIONS & CAUSES & SEX THERAPY

STATISTICS

IN ENDING

DAMAGED SENSE OF SELF and resulting FEELINGS and a DISTORTED BELIEF SYSTEM of what we believe to be true about ourselves and the world.

SELF-EXPRESSION JOURNAL

You will need lots of paper with lots of pens. Do not use pencils because there will be no erasing! Whatever you write down first stays and if you reconsider, well that’s too bad! I know this sounds harsh but the truth is your first thoughts always came from deep inside of you. You couldn’t and shouldn’t and wouldn’t make excuses for anyone, not even for yourself. Write down everything. I mean everything! By doing this, you will see into your heart, soul and mind. This will help you tremendously during your healing and recovery.

SUBCONSCIOUS SELF-EXPRESSION

Dreams

Dreams, nightmares, theme dreams and recurrent dreams are significant. There is a direct connection between life when awake and life when asleep. What is not revealed or noticed or acknowledged when awake will always be revealed in sleep through dreams that demand expression.

Dreams, nightmares, theme dreams and recurrent dreams represent what is happening and has happened in life. The way to analyze dreams is to understand what the symbols mean on a personal level. Dream books may be somewhat accurate but they are not personal.

Example of My Dreams

Here are a few dreams I had when I was married to my ex-husband. These dreams in which I cannot speak are also represented in my drawings to follow.

· I was at a party and everyone was having a great time. I’m in the middle of so many people and we are all are talking and laughing! Suddenly I see my ex-husband walk into the party. I cry out for help as I am falling. I am grabbing onto the people I was just talking and laughing with but there isn’t anyone who hears me, feels me or sees me anymore. My ex-husband stands over me and shoots me with a gun. Still no one hears me or the gun shot or feels me pulling on their clothes or sees me.

· I’m in a room and waiting for my ex-husband. I’m talking to someone saying as soon as he arrives I am going to tell him off, especially that I will not tolerate his abuse. I’m not screaming but talking very loud. When I see my ex-husband walking toward me and when he is close, I open my mouth and nothing comes out! I am struggling to speak but I do not have my voice.

CONSCIOUS SELF-EXPRESSION

Drawings

Drawing is very helpful in determining the pattern of life, both the past and the present. Drawings show the basic nature of people, such as where is everyone? Is everyone together? Are these people significant? What are the details of each person in the drawing, such as do they have eyes and mouths? Are they holding something?

Examples of My Drawings

I drew myself and my ex-husband and children. My children and I were on one side of the page and my ex-husband was on the other side of the page. None of us had mouths. My interpretation is that my children and I did not have mouths because we were afraid to talk to him and my ex-husband was without a mouth because we didn’t want to hear his abusive words.

Drawing 1 is a baby who has a mouth but he or she does not talk yet.
Drawing 2 is clown who has a mouth but mostly clowns do not talk.
Drawing 3 is a lady looking in the mirror who does not have a mouth but her reflection does and reflections in mirrors do not talk.
Drawing 4 is a mask which does have a mouth but masks do not tallk.

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4

In drawings 5 to 12, they each do not have mouths and should be able to talk. Again, to me, these drawing reflect my life with my ex-husband in which I did not have a voice at all. And again, I did not make this connection for a long time.

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6
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Writing

Writing will be very helpful for you even though it entails reliving your life of abuse. You also will relieve your feelings especially when you do not want to talk to someone. You don’t want to be judged and I’m sure you have enough of your own self-judgment. People who have not suffered abuse do not understand. There will be times when you will feel as if you are standing in the same spot but through your daily writing you can remind yourself that you are making progress and can look ahead.

Examples of My Writing

To sleep. To die. Nevermore to Cry.

Wedding Dress:

When we were married, I stood before the mirror dressed in my wedding gown. My dreams danced around me as I imagined what my life would be like with you. I loved you so very much, and I believed that you loved me too. Later that day we were married. But then within a short time my smiles become tears. At first I cried and cried, and made excuses for you as to why you were hurting me so badly. Your unkind words troubled my heart, soul and mind. And so, I shed my wedding dress for all my days, and wore instead my imaginary suit of armor around my heart to try to keep you out, to try to keep the pain out. Alas, it was all in vain.

The Dark: I didn’t think I had to fear the dark, but you in disguises did embark. And though at first you appeared to be kind, you lingered relentlessly to get me in time. I didn’t beware you who had risen from hell. I didn’t look deep into eyes, for I didn’t know the eyes always tell.

The Garden Weeds: My love was only for you, always for you. I thought it could take away your sadness which was as the blackness of graves. I thought it would destroy your pain which was cast upon you years ago, for years too long. But your loveless love for me turned my heart into garden weeds destroying me and my love for you. And so, the garden became one of horror, festering weeds of anger, and weeds of hate. It’s too late.

The Magic Wand: You were as a magician who broke my heart and then spoke words empty of regret. You pleaded with me to forgive you. I did. I did believe this illusion of you, even as you shoved me through tunnels of fresh wounds to the ever dark side of you. I was fooled again and again, because as I looked into your eyes, I did not see your lies. Your magic wand was as a double-edged sword.

Love Keeper: My heart flew away on a butterfly’s wings to you. I thought you were the keeper of my love, the keeper of my life. But instead my heart became trapped within the debris of you.

Masquerade of Mind: The sword of Damocles (impending doom) was carved into my destiny and so, I sought refuge in the masquerade of mind where I dwelled within the imperishable soul of me. I was weary of your lunacy that had invaded my every breath. But then you called my name. I stood before you wearing the costume of the day, as I had done countless times before, which you had imposed upon me. But this for years so long, too long and I fear I have misplaced the clothes that I am. And so, I looked deeply into your eyes seeking me, believing you were my truth, but I saw nothing or no one looking back

Kidnapped: You kidnapped my memories of love and visions of teddy bears and kisses and hugs, though they were mine. I struggled through dreaded time and it was so unkind. And my days were ‘there’, simply ‘there’, in a nowhere land of ‘just simply there’. And in that place of nothingness, something-ness stood close to me bringing the darkness and the loss of hope into every morrow, with those memories of you of tears and sorrow. Day in and day out, there was never a doubt of those sad tales of old, being told and retold, and those tales so sad and for me, too bad, too bad. I searched for me, in all my days, but found instead, those empty sighs, and someone’s cries. Though filled with doubt and dread and gloom, I peeked inside that mind room. I crept and crawled and through it all, I closed my eyes, for fear to see, for fear to be. But then I knew, I never knew, these empty sighs and someone’s cries, was really me.

My Dreams: You sought out my dreams so you could blow black ashes upon them. My dreamless sleep and nightmares haunted my soul as a spirited spell and carved my demise profoundly upon all of my tomorrows. You hung onto my heart, weighing it down as heavy as the torments you inflicted, as you angrily ripped at me and exploded into vivid colors of pain. I was scattered, and shattered wherever my eyes saw me. There I was again with my broken dreams and as they died, I then saw the abyss of you.

My Hopeless Hope: I always believed tomorrow’s dawn could have brought hope. But because of you hope was never born and so with you hope was never ever. You tripped my already unsteady feet making me fall and crippling my life.

The Mask: I could not see your eyes behind your mask as you roamed through my mind where the darkness was the deepest, as I dreaded your inevitable rendezvous with me. You hovered impatiently, waiting to enter at a moment’s notice, to haunt, to prey, to stay. As I peeked behind your mask, I shuttered, I shattered, because as I looked into his your eyes, I saw your reflection of me.

One True Kiss: Why couldn’t you just love me and pass through my thoughts gently? Why did you leave me with a handful of emptiness, like hollows of empty spaces in time? Kindness was not mine as you were as a raging bull, ripping me apart and tearing me to pieces. I wish that with you, I would have had even one true kiss.

Nightmares: I am haunted by nightmares and I am afraid because there isn’t anyone to stand guard. I try to sneak by as I tiptoe, but every step brings me closer to you, to yet another dagger impatiently waiting to be thrust deep into my soul. I feel as if I am surrounded by fires that long to destroy me and in moments of unbearable pain, I almost beg them to.

Nothingness: My eyes can’t see the birds and my ears can’t hear their song as I am damaged forever. It does not matter how long I cry and wish it all away. I am as a defiled flower, you have forgotten in the barren field of your heart.

To sleep. To die. Nevermore to cry:

To sleep. To die. Nevermore to cry. The dawn brings this day as the days before, deepening the wounds, rising up black before my eyes. I cannot escape for nowhere can I hide from you. These days appear as nights and I welcome the rain, the gray, as I dress in shades of you. And when I couldn’t live with you anymore, I told you as I did so many times before. You fell to your knees, crying and resting your head upon my breasts that held my broken heart. You grasped my hand and pledged your love to me and said that you were sorry. You said that you would never hurt me again. I made promises that I loved you and I stayed with you as I did so many times before. But then, after days too few of happiness as so many times before, you inflicted on me all of the agony of all my yesterdays’ with you and I was swallowed alive as so many times before. And when I couldn’t live with you anymore, I told you as I did so many times before. You fell to your knees, crying and resting your head upon my breasts that held my broken heart. You grasped my hand and pledged your love to me and said you were sorry. You said that you would never hurt me again. Finally I made no promise that I loved you and I did not stay with you anymore. I feel as death, yet death itself eludes me though I cry out its name, though I cry out in vain. Please, to sleep, to die and nevermore to cry. To die. To die. Why not I?

MIND THEATRE SCRIPTS

These mind theatre scripts are generally performed through hypnosis however they cannot be performed that way here. I have created and altered these scripts so that they can be performed in a relaxed state. These mind theatre scripts offer you a safe place in your mind to right the wrongs committed against you. You need to make a recording or somehow be able to listen so as not to interrupt your relaxed state. Maybe someone can read them to you.

The Repair of Sense of Self Script will offer you a way to learn to love yourself by repairing your damaged sense of self and distorted belief system of what you believe to be true about yourself and the world.

The Psychological Confrontation Script will offer you a way to confront your abuser by repairing your maladaptive coping skills and behavior patterns.

Note: Read the scripts a few times until you feel comfortable and ready.

You can use your own words instead of mine, but remember to keep the intention.
The scripts work best when you are in a relaxed state.
You can record the scripts, leaving enough time in between steps for you to respond.
Another suggestion is to have someone read it to you.
Regardless of how you do the mind theaters, when you are finished, write down whatever you remember.
If you have forgotten some things, don’t fret, because if they are important, they will come back to you.
You will be in a relaxed state but not hypnotized and in fact, not everyone should be hypnotized, or use self-hypnosis.
Certain medical conditions (e.g. seizures), and psychological disorders (e.g., psychosis) can be aggravated.
Do not do both mind theaters in the same day.
I repeat, do not do both mind theaters in the same day.
It will be overwhelming.
Try each of them once a week and then decide the frequency you need.

Note: During the scripts, if you are unable to see into your mind or have a sense or feel troubled, it’s okay. Relax for a few minutes more and then you can try again. If it seems like it is not working, just open your eyes and stop for today. It’s okay.

THE REPAIR OF SENSE OF SELF SCRIPT

This script offers you a way for you to learn to love yourself.

It does this by repairing your damaged sense of self and distorted belief system of what you believe to be true about yourself and the world.

Protective Shield: The intention is for you to feel safe and protected.

Sit in your favorite chair and get comfortable.
Close your eyes, and take a deep breath and relax.
Now, imagine that a beautiful white light is just above your head.
This is a protective and spiritual light with healing and relaxing powers.
It will give you a sense of peace.
Let it flow into your body through the top of your head, down to your feet, healing and relaxing you.
Feel at peace as your body is filled with this beautiful light.
Now imagine that the light is completely surrounding the outside of your body.
Take a deep breath and relax.

Happy Memory: The intention is for you to find a happy memory to return to whenever you need to or want to.

You are more relaxed now than you have been in a long time.
Let you mind roam free until you come across a happy memory.
Indulge yourself in this happy memory and remember it.
See or sense where you are, who is with you, what you’re wearing and what’s happening that made this a happy memory for you.
Take a deep breath and relax.
If you have unrelated thoughts, simply let them pass through your mind.
Don’t focus on them but don’t stop them.
Go back to your happy memory and remember it as you take a deep breath and relax.

Abreaction: This is when you see or sense something that is troubling to you.

If you see or sense anything that troubles you, do not be afraid.
You will relive it in a detached manner and you will not suffer any pain, any psychological or physical distress as you did when it happened.
This was in the past and it cannot hurt you anymore.
Watch it from a distance, as if it is a movie and imagine yourself holding the remote control and then change the channel back to your happy memory.

Therapy: Age Regression: The intention is for you to solve problems from your past.

Think about when you first felt unloved.
When you are ready, if you are ready, your mind will let you see or sense the first time you felt unloved.
If you have a problem remembering when you first felt unloved or seeing or sensing this, think back to childhood birthdays as a guide in time.
Call yourself by your name but add a word to distinguish between you today and you when you first felt unloved. I’ll use the word “baby”.
Move closer to be at eye level with your baby you.
Do this even if you have to get down on your knees.
Now look into the eyes of your baby you and gently touch your face.
Then lovingly and warmly embrace your baby you.
It’s okay to cry if you want to and it’s okay if your baby you cries also.
You may need to cry to feel better.
Now tell your baby you, “I love you”.
Say it again.
Say it once more.
Say it aloud.
Scream it if you want to.
Deep down, you do love yourself and you are lovable.
You may not believe it now, but in time, you will.
Linger at this moment for as long as you want to.
It’s okay if you feel lightheaded and have tingling sensations in your body as your suffering leaves your heart, mind, and soul.
Breathe deeply and relax.
When you’re ready just open your eyes.
You will be okay.

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL CONFRONTATION SCRIPT

This script offers you a way for you to confront the person who abused you.

It does this by teaching you to stand up for yourself and by repairing your maladaptive coping skills and behavior patterns.

Protective Shield: The intention is for you to feel safe and protected.

Sit in your favorite chair and get comfortable.
Close your eyes, and take a deep breath and relax.
Now, imagine that a beautiful white light is just above your head.
This is a protective and spiritual light with healing and relaxing powers.
It will give you a sense of peace.
Let it flow into your body through the top of your head, down to your feet, healing and relaxing you.
Feel at peace as your body is filled with this beautiful light.
Now imagine that the light is completely surrounding the outside of your body.
Take a deep breath and relax.

Happy Memory: The intention is for you to find a happy memory to return to whenever you need to or want to.

You are more relaxed now than you have been in a long time.
Let you mind roam free until you come across a happy memory.
Indulge yourself in this happy memory and remember it.
See or sense where you are, who is with you, what you’re wearing and what’s happening that made this a happy memory for you.
Take a deep breath and relax.
If you have unrelated thoughts, simply let them pass through your mind.
Don’t focus on them but don’t stop them.
Go back to your happy memory and remember it as you take a deep breath and relax.

Abreaction: This is when you see or sense something that is troubling to you.

If you see or sense anything that troubles you, do not be afraid.
You will relive it in a detached manner and you will not suffer any pain, any psychological or physical distress as you did when it happened.
This was in the past and it cannot hurt you anymore.
Watch it from a distance, as if it is a movie and imagine yourself holding the remote control and then change the channel back to your happy memory.

Therapy: The intention is to solve problems.

Think about someone who has hurt you.
When you are ready, your mind will let you see or sense someone who has hurt you.
Do not exempt anyone for any reason.
You are not afraid.
Remember that this person cannot hurt you anymore.
This is your day.
When you do see or sense images, stay with it.
If you see more than one person who has hurt you, tell them to get in line and they will.
Select one person, and tell this person to step forward and stand alone, and tell the others to stand back and watch and they will.
Notice that there is a wastepaper basket on the floor next to you.
There is also a table next to you with paper and a pen.
Hold them in your hands.
Now focus on this person who hurt you.
Tell this person in detail what he or she did to you, and how you have suffered.
Do not hold back.
There aren’t any restrictions.
Just get all your feelings out.
It’s okay to cry if you want to.
You may need to cry to feel better. Just let it happen.
When you are finished talking, look at the paper you have been holding and see that it is filled with everything you just said and have felt.
Now, as you look at this person who hurt you and crumble the paper.
As you do this, you can feel all of your pain and suffering leaving you as it seeps deep into, and is forever trapped, in the creases and crevices of this paper.
Don’t worry or be afraid that not all of your pain and suffering will fit because it will.
Squeeze this paper as hard as you can.
Destroy it with your own hands right before your own eyes and before this person who has hurt you.
Destroy it with your own hands.
Now face the wastepaper basket and throw this paper away, along with all of your pain and suffering that you have endured.
Just toss it where it belongs, in the garbage.
And as you do this, the person who hurt you fades away, because he or she does not have any more power over you anymore.
He or she cannot hurt you anymore.
You have the power.
You feel so relaxed and good.
It’s okay if you feel lightheaded and have tingling sensations in your body as your suffering leaves your heart, mind, and soul.
Now, lastly, if you see more people who have hurt you still standing in a line, notice that their faces are pale, because they are very worried as they have all just been witnesses.
Tell them you will deal with them on another day, when they least expect it.
Tell them to go, to get out of your sight. Just dismiss them.
Breathe deeply and relax.
When you are ready just open your eyes.

MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS and BEHAVIOR PATTERNS re: TROUBLE IN PARADISE: EMOTIONAL & SEXUAL INTIMACY

DAMAGED SENSE OF SELF and resulting FEELINGS and a DISTORTED BELIEF SYSTEM of what you believe to be true about yourself and the world.
SELF-EXPRESSION JOURNAL & MIND THEATRE SCRIPTS

DESCRIPTIONS & CAUSES & SEX THERAPY

STATISTICS

IN ENDING

MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS and BEHAVIOR PATTERNS re:
TROUBLE IN PARADISE

Whether you have been abused or not though the following you can resolve your emotional and sexual intimacy issues.

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

FEAR OF IMTIMACY

Emotional intimacy creates psychological bonding. Emotional intimacy problems you may experience after having been abused are in general having a fear of intimacy even though you may be starving for affection. You may avoid and be fearful of affection whether it be touching or words of affection. You may be unable to replace passion with companionship because you may see emotional intimacy as interference in that because you were close during sexual intimacy, you don’t need or want to then be emotionally intimate. And so, you may alienate, isolate and estrange yourself from others. You may with people who are not right for you and consistently choose the wrong partner.

When I was ready to be in a relationship, though logically I knew the difference between an abusive man and one who was not, my heart didn’t know the difference so I only dated submissive men. I didn’t have to be in control, but I was not going to allow anyone to ever again be in control of me. I then met my second husband Bob and I was never defensive or afraid anymore. This was a blessing for me with his love, kindness and caring. I believe for many reasons we were perfect for each other but especially because he was abused as a child by his mother and father and me as an adult so there was unspoken bond that we would never hurt each other. Sadly, my husband passed on August 22, 2015 and my life has never been the same. Bob lives in my heart and will for all time.

THERAPY FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

The following exercises will help you to be rid of your fear / avoidance of emotionally bound situations. You need to have a partner to perform these exercises.

SENSATE FOCUS EXERCISES

(William H. Masters, PhD and Virginia E. Johnson & Helen Kaplan Singer)

Sensate Focus I does not involve any genital touching. Still, you will experience much pleasure through sensual touch. You should do this exercise to your partner first.

Ask your partner to lie down on her stomach as you lower the lights and put soft music on.

Start by using creams or oils and make light, feathery, sensual touches to her body beginning with her back.

Ask your partner to close her eyes, and you close your eyes also. See your partner with your hands.

After a while ask her to turn over and continue with your sensual touch.

This touch should make your partner feel loved, accepted, comforted, relaxed, warm, and giving, drawing from her, affection for you.

After you finish, ask your partner to do the same type of touch to you.

You need to do this exercise for a couple of weeks at the very least.

Then move onto Sensate Focus II.

Sensate Focus II includes Sensate Focus I and the following.

This time there will be genital touching, but still no making love.

Do the sensual touching as in Sensate Focus I, but also touch your partner’s genitals and your partner should touch your genitals.

If you try to make love before you have your full confidence back, chances are, a sexual dysfunction may happen.

Be patient and you will get there.

TOUCH-TO-TOUCH EXERCISES

Note: It doesn’t matter who goes first. And do not make love!

Note: If you have Premature Ejaculation, you may not be able to do these touch exercises because you may ejaculate quickly.

Couples can do the following exercises in addition to the sex therapy exercises (to follow) for sexual dysfunctions.

You do not need to do these touch exercises to remedy your sexual dysfunctions, but they are very helpful.

Do not make love.

Just Breathe

Sit on the floor with your legs opened, and have your partner sit in between your legs with her back to your chest.
Gently wrap your arms around her, placing your hands right underneath her breasts.
Both you and your partner close your eyes and as you feel your partner breathe, follow her rhythm, and then switch.

Catch me if you can

You need a plastic mat to play this game.

Take equal parts of baby oil, and any lotion or cream you like and mix them together.

Rub this mixture all over your partner's body and ask her to rub it all over you.

Lie down on the plastic mat, and ask your partner to lie on top of you.

Try to hold her in place as she slips and slides.

After a while, you and your partner should switch.

Impression

Sit on the floor together, face to face.

Start by gently touching your partner’s shoulder.

She then touches your shoulder.

She then touches your face.

You then touch her face.

You touch her hand.

She then touches your hand.

Continue touching different parts of each other’s bodies.

Lean on me

Your partner sits on the floor and you kneel behind her.

Ask her to lean on you and make her body limp so you can gently move her around freely.

After a while you and your partner should switch.

Blindfold

Ask your partner to lie down in a comfortable place and allow you to blindfold her.

Tell her to focus on your touch and tell you what she thinks you are touching her with (e.g., hands, feathers, you are limited only by your imagination).

After a while you and your partner should switch.

Mirroring

Stand face to face with your partner.

Let her take the lead as you behave as if you are looking in a mirror.

Try to follow her movements, becoming her reflection.

After a while you and your partner should switch.

Hide and seek

Ask your partner to take a small piece of tape and place it somewhere on her body while you are not looking.
You must find the tape, and will be able to do this by slow sensual touching on every part of her body.
Move slowly as you explore your partner’s body.
Once you find the tape, switch.

SEXUAL INTIMACY

THE CALAMITY OF MAKING LOVE WITH MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS / FETISHES

Sexual intimacy concerns physical bonding. Sexual intimacy problems you may experience after having been abused are sexual dysfunctions and fetishes. When you have sexual dysfunctions / fetishes, emotional intimacy is hindered. If you cannot be emotionally intimate, sexual intimacy will not succeed because it will hinder all or some aspects of making love will be absent, difficult or impossible. If you cannot be sexually intimate, your love making will not succeed. As sexual comfort decreases, sexual anxiety increases and then failed emotional intimacy follows suit and round and round you go.

DESCRIPTIONS

MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS

When you have sexual dysfunctions you have problems with desire / arousal / orgasm.

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder means that you have little or no desire to make love. You lose your desire before ejaculation when you make love. Your sexual urges, fantasies, or making love, are happening less than twice a month.

Sexual Aversion Disorder means that you have an aversion or revulsion to making love. You have an irrational fear of making love.

Male Erectile Disorder means that you are unable to attain erections when making love. You have weak erections when making love. You have erections on and off when making love. You are unable to maintain adequate erections to complete intercourse to ejaculation when making love.

Male Orgasmic Disorder means that you are unable to ejaculate when making love. You get the feeling to ejaculate, but then lose the feeling when making love.

Premature Ejaculation means that you ejaculate within 5 minutes or less when making love. You ejaculate before you desire when making love.

Combination Orgasmic Disorder means that there are times that you take a long time to ejaculate when making love; you are unable to ejaculate when making love; you get the feeling to ejaculate, but then lose the feeling when making love, and at other times, you ejaculate within 5 minutes or less when making love; you ejaculate before you desire when making love.

Sexual Dysfunctions when Masturbating means that you are sexually dysfunctional when you masturbate but not when you make love.

Sexual Dysfunctions when using Condoms means that you are sexually dysfunctional only when you use a condom.

FETISHES

When you have fetishes you have problems with recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behavior regarding:

Coprophilia: feces. For example: eating feces / brown showers / when someone defecates on you.

Exhibitionism: exposing your genitals to an unsuspecting or non-consenting person.

Fetishism: using an article of women’s clothing when masturbating. For example: when you place a pair of women’s used panties over your head with the crotch over your nose while masturbating / when you wrap a pair of women’s panties around your penis while masturbating.

Frotteurism: rubbing your penis against an unsuspecting or non-consenting person.

Hypoxyphilia: being deprived of oxygen. For example: when a noose is around your neck.

Infantilism: behaving or dressing as an infant. For example: when you wear a diaper and urinate or defecate in it / when you suck on a pacifier / when you drink from a baby bottle / when you make baby sounds.

Klismaphilia: enemas.

Necrophilia: corpses, death, and destruction.

Partialism: a nonsexual part of a woman’s body, such as feet. For example: when you kiss and lick a woman’s feet / when you rub your penis on a woman’s feet / when you ejaculate between a woman’s toes.

Pedophilia: children.

Sexual Masochism: receiving psychological pain. For example: when you are humiliated / when receiving physical pain such as when you are spanked.

Sexual Sadism: dispensing psychological pain. For example: when you are humiliating someone / when dispensing physical pain such as when you are spanking someone.

Telephone Scatologia: making obscene telephone calls to an unsuspecting or non-consenting person.

Transvestic Fetishism: wearing women’s clothing and accessories, and acting like a woman.

Urophilia: urine. For example: when you drink urine / golden showers / when someone urinates on you.

Voyeurism: watching an unsuspecting or non-consenting person such as while undressing, being naked, or making love.

Zoophilia a.k.a. Bestiality: animals. For example: when you perform oral sex to an animal / when you have intercourse with an animal.

Note: There are other fetishes and variations of the above but these seem to be the most common.

Fetishistic Love Making

When you have fetishes, you will have little or no interest in traditional lovemaking. This creates a dilemma when you have a partner because you must maintain a traditional sexual relationship on some level and fetish behavior interferes with sexual functioning and will sabotage your efforts. You may fantasize about your fetish during love making to be stimulated enough to avoid being sexually dysfunctional.

Fetishistic love making is not love making at all. It is a refracted way for you to experience sexual pleasure. It recreates the primal events that are the basis for the existence of your fetish, such as events that made you feel humiliated and worthless. It gives you the illusion of either being in complete control (being dominant), or it gives you the illusion that you are being made worthy through repeated desired punishment (being submissive). During and after the fetish expression, though you experience a great release and feel good, the fetish expression not only does not repair the damage to your sense of self, but also reinforces it. This will be a fruitless endeavor without end, because as long as your fetishes are in front of you and not behind you, then you will seek out partners to either dispense or receive these expressions which ultimately are repeated assaults to your psyche. You must indulge your fetishes whether it is in fantasy or in actual expression. If you ignore or repress the urges, they will keep coming back stronger, and more forcefully than before, until they are somehow expressed. You may be living a secret life and possibly paying someone to act out your fetishes. You may even have chosen an occupation related to your fetish.

Fetish of No Fetish

There are times when people compare making love with the drama of fetish expression. However they are two separate entities and cannot be compared. Making love, for example, is based on love, while fetish expression, for example, is based on harm. Not knowing the difference, people do compare, having the conclusion, that fetish expression during lovemaking is more exciting because of the drama.

CAUSES

BASIC CAUSES OF MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS / FETISHES

There are three basic causes of sexual dysfunctions / fetishes. Regardless of the cause, anxiety is always present.

Performance Anxiety and Non-Conflict Issues

When you have a sexual dysfunction caused by performance anxiety and non-conflict issues it means you are fearful that you will be unable to make love (desire, arousal, orgasm) without any problems. You can be especially anxious if you have had sexual difficulties before.

The likelihood of a sexual dysfunction is greater than not in inexperienced men. Generally, increased performance anxiety leads to sexual failure. As sexual comfort decreases, sexual anxiety increases. If you think you cannot make love, then you cannot make love. With men and sex, the worst fears will always come true.

You should do the appropriate sex therapy exercise. If you have more than one sexual dysfunction, then follow the ‘Priority Order to Remedy Sexual Dysfunctions’.

Once you overcome these performance anxiety and non-conflict issues, along with doing the appropriate sex therapy exercises, your sexual dysfunctions will be remedied.

Frank's Story

Frank and his partner, Linda, are excited about making love. He dims the lights and puts soft music on. He undresses and gets into bed while Linda goes into the bathroom to put on that sexy red outfit you love. Frank’s erection is poking at the sheets as he is so eager and enthusiastic, and oh so ready! He smiles as Linda calls out to him that she’s coming to bed in seconds. But then suddenly Frank remembers the last time he made love, when he was sexually dysfunctional. Now he can feel those physiological changes take place. His erection weakens. As Linda dances out of the bathroom, Frank mutters something about being too tired, adding not tonight honey. Feeling depressed, devastated and hopeless, he rolls over and falls asleep.

Then Frank woke up during the night and as he lay there, he realized he had the strongest erection ever. He was so ready to make love, but he waited a few minutes more to be sure that he really are so ready. Another five minutes go by and Frank feels good! He feels so very good! He gently wakes up Linda and says he wants to make love and she says yes! Life is good! Life is very good! And so as Frank starts to make love, he remembers the last time when he made love and he was sexually dysfunctional. Again, Frank feels the physiological changes take place. Again his erection weakens. And so, Frank mutters something to Linda about being so tired that he just wants to go back to sleep. Feeling depressed, devastated, and hopeless, Frank rolls over and stays awake.

Conflict Issues

Conflict issues are psychological struggles within you. Anxiety is always present. These conflicts and the reasons why, need to be identified and remedied. Once your conflicts are remedied (ex. Abuse) along with doing the appropriate sex therapy exercises, generally your sexual dysfunctions / fetishes will be remedied.

Jack's Story

Jack was married to Margaret. Generally after watching television for a few hours he would go to bed. Margaret would stand in the doorway of the bedroom and demand that he have sex with her. Jack knew if he met his wife’s demand for sex, he would as always suffer her verbal onslaught and psychological castration, as she always told him that his love making was a pis-poor performance. But, Jack also knew, if he didn’t meet her demand for sex, his days ahead would be gruesome at best. During times when they would make love, Margaret would shoot reasons at him as to why she should and would be unfaithful to him, adding “So Jack, you call yourself a real man!” Well, eventually Margaret did leave Jack for another man. Jack felt so unloved and unwanted. These feelings stirred up memories from childhood, when his mother either ignored him or told him how worthless he was. Jack thought about all of his relationships and realized there had never been a woman who loved him, who really loved him. And why should anyone love him, he thought, after all, his own mother didn’t! He had feelings of deep sadness and desperateness coupled with intense feelings of resentment and anger toward his mother, Margaret, and all women. He just couldn’t trust any of them, beginning with his mother. He decided that he would never let another one of them hurt him. The next time he was with a woman, he would be in total control.

Then along came Carol, who became his second wife. Most of Jack’s conversations with Carol began with him saying, “Carol, if you really loved me . . . or Carol, you can really prove your love for me by . . . or Carol, I am your husband and you better . . .” She had to account for every minute of every day that she was away from him. On a typical day, she had to call Jack as soon as she arrived at work. She had to call him when she went to lunch and returned, reporting what she ate for lunch, where, and with whom. She had to call him when she was leaving work to go home. It was another call if Carol had to make any stops along the way, or if she got stuck in traffic. Jack demanded that Carol give him unconditional love and uncompromising obedience! Though she didn’t like living this way, Carol tolerated it because she was afraid he would leave her as her first husband did. She would never forget that morning when she woke up and found a note on his pillow that simply read ‘Goodbye’! Carol had promised herself when she met Jack that she would let him do whatever he wanted so as not to be left alone again.

Medical and Medication Issues

When you have medical conditions and need to take medications, it can interfere with sexual functioning. Ask your doctor if a change in medicine is possible. Also you can do the appropriate sex therapy exercise because up to a certain degree it will help because of your performance anxiety.

SPECIFIC CAUSES OF MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS / FETISHES

You can have one or multiple causes of your sexual dysfunctions / fetishes. It’s important to identify any and all the causes to be able to remedy your sexual dysfunctions / fetishes.

1. Abuse and Neglect Issues mean that you were psychologically / physical harmed as a child. It also means that you were or are being psychologically / physical harmed as an adult.

2. Allergies

3. Anxiety Disorders: i.e. Panic Attacks, Panic Disorder, Psych asthenia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD / Flashbacks, Thoughts, Dreams Recollections, Reduced response to antidepressants.

4. Arthritis

5. Autoimmune Diseases: i.e. Multiple Sclerosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis

6. Bereavement Issues means that you are grieving over the loss of a loved one. Widower’s Syndrome means that you are unable to stop grieving over the loss of your partner.

7. Cancer

8. Caretaker of Your Partner Issues means that since you started to care for your sick partner, you don’t have sexual feelings for her anymore.

9. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

10. Cognitive Disorders

11. Communication Issues means that you are unable to talk to your partner.

12. Constant Love Making Issues means that your partner believes you should always want to, and always be ready, to make love.

13. Creation Issues means that your partner cannot agree about having a baby or not, abortion and birth control.

14. Daughter and Father Issues mean that you are disturbed about the fact that when your daughter is an adult, men will want to have sex with her. If you have used women for sex, your disturbance will be magnified.

15. Diabetes

16. Dissociative Disorders: i.e. Amnesia, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

17. Eating Disorders: Obesity.

18. Fatigue Issues mean that you make love even when you are too tired.

19. Fear of Intimacy Issues means that you have a fear of being emotionally close and vulnerable to your partner.

20. Fetish Issues means that you have problems with arousal during fetishistic love making / masturbating. You have recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behaviors regarding:

21. Fibromyalgia

22. Gastrointestinal Problems

23. Gender Identity Issues means you feel that you were born the wrong sex.

24. Guilt Issues means that you have feelings of guilt about anything and so the sexual dysfunctions exist to punish yourself.

25. Headaches: Migraines

26. Hepatitis

27. Heart Disease

28. High Blood Pressure

29. Intimacy Issues means that you are afraid of being emotionally close and vulnerable to your partner.

30. Irritable Bowel Syndrome

31. Liver Problems

32. Madonna-Whore Complex Issues means that you feel it would be disrespectful to ask your partner to perform certain sexual acts.

33. Male Sexual Dysfunctions Issues means that you have problems with desire / arousal / orgasm.

34. Marital Status Issues means that the likelihood of sexual dysfunctions is greater than not in men who have been recently separated, divorced, or widowed.

35. Masturbation Issues:

a. Masturbation as no other choice means that you masturbate because your partner does not want to make love.

b. Masturbation as obstruction means you masturbate more than you make love and because of this you have conditioned your body to function sexually fine only in this way. You masturbate very hard and fast which has desensitized your penis. This masturbation technique cannot be translated into making love.

c. Masturbation preference means that you have a preference for masturbation, rather than making love even though making love is an option.

36. Mood Disorders: i.e. Depression, Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder.

37. Motor Skills Disorder: i.e. Developmental Problems.

38. Musculoskeletal Problems

39. Neurological Problems

40. Negative Aspects of Partner Issues means that you are focused on negative aspects of your partner.

41. New Sexual Partner Issues means that you feel anxious when making love with someone new. Most men find that the first few times they make love with someone new, they experience sexual problems.

42. Partner Pleasure Knowledge Issues means that your partner believes you are supposed to automatically know what will sexually please.

43. Partner VS. Partner Issues means that you are sexually dysfunctional with one partner but sexually fine with another partner.

44. Patient Resistance Issues means that you believe you want to remedy your sexual dysfunctions but you sabotage the therapy, such as, by not doing the sex therapy exercise or by doing the sex therapy exercise but not following the guidelines.

45. Penis Issues:

a. You feel your penis is inadequate in some way, such as, you think your penis is too small.

b. You think of your penis as a separate entity with a mind of its own. Thinking like this causes frustration about being able to control your body, to control your penis. And yet at the same time, thinking this way makes it easier for you to tolerate sexual dysfunctions because in a sense, if your penis has a mind of its own, then it’s out of your control.

c. You had a medical procedure performed to your penis. Studies have been conducted with the possible determination that medical procedures to a penis, such as, circumcision, vasectomy, or penis enlargement, can be perceived by the patient’s mind as damage done to his penis.

46. Personality Disorders: i.e. Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder / Antisocial traits, Passive/Aggressive Personality Disorder.

47. Pornographic and Unrealistic Sexual Expectation Issues means that you / your partner believe the sex scenes in pornographic movies and the actors’ sexual performance are true to life and expect that when making love.

48. Pressure by Partner Issues means that your partner wants to make love more than you want to.

49. Privacy Issues means that you do not have enough privacy when making love.

50. Psychological Disorders means that you have problems with mental disorders. The most common mental disorders related to sexual disorders are: anxiety, depression, mood, personality, sleep or substances.

51. Religious Backgrounds and Beliefs Issues:

a. You have feelings of guilt because you practice sexual acts that go against your religious beliefs.

b. You have feelings of guilt because of the nature of sexual thoughts, fantasies, and acts.

52. Resentment Issues means that you have feelings of resentment toward your partner and so your sexual dysfunctions exist as a punishment for your partner.

53. Respiratory Problems

54. Schizophrenia and Other Psychotic Disorders: i.e. Schizophrenia, Psychosis.

55. Sexual Menu Issues:

a. You are uncertain about your sexual orientation.

b. You are conflicted about your sexual orientation.

56. Sexual Orientation Issues means that you are attracted to people of the same sex.

57. Sexual Pleasure Issues means that you have feelings of guilt because of engaging in pleasurable sexual activities while at the same time someone you love is going through a hard time.

58. Sexual Practices Issues means that you want to make love and not ejaculate for a long time so you hold your ejaculation back.

59. Sleep Disorders: i.e. Nightmare Disorder, Difficulty / disturbance / disruption in sleep.

60. Somatoform Disorders: i.e. Somatic Disorder, Pain Disorder.

61. Spectatoring Issues means that you watch yourself when you make love because you are anxious and want to see how you are doing.

62. Stress Issues means that you are under pressure about something and unable to stop thinking about it even when you make love.

63. Stroke

64. Substance Related Disorders: i.e. Alcohol, Drugs, and Nicotine.

65. Ulcerative Colitis

66. Ulcers

67. Victim of Sexual Trauma Association Issues means you are close to someone who was sexually assaulted.

GRAPHIC TALES OF MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCIONS / FETISHES

Disclaimer: These true life tales are from my patient files from 1990 - 2004. All personal information, and sometimes the details within a scenario, have been changed or altered to maintain confidentiality, and to protect the privacy and identity of my patients and their families, especially children. Any similarity or resemblance to actual people living or dead, events, or details, is entirely coincidental.

Abuse and Fetishes

If a man was abused in any way, it’s not unusual for him to fantasize about that abuse to be sexually functioning either during masturbation or sex. This happens even if the man has any feelings of guilt such as thinking about his mother. He also may not want to ever be sexually aroused functioning. A man may feel awkward about any kind of touch and affection in that he wants to cuddle with a woman but may feel repulsed at the same time. He may feel also that women are emotionally dangerous and they cannot be trusted and have feelings such as hostility and resentment toward women.

When a man was abused it’s not unusual for him to have a fetish which is a re-enactment of the abuse, even those things he didn’t suffer. In order for him to be sexually functioning he may need to: peep; smell a woman’s dirty underwear; do oral sex to a strap-on dildo; cross-dress; treated as a slut; called a sissy boy and a dirty pig, told worthless and cannot do anything right; anal sex with a strap-on dildo; be urinated on; lick a woman’s feet clean; be defecated on; wear diapers; tied up; blindfolded; nipple and cock and ball torture / clothespins clipped up and down and all around penis and testicles and then one by one pulled off quickly / vice is screwed tightly on penis; enema; wear panties with crotch over nose; tampon inserted into his anal area’ bitten

Miscellaneous

Reasons other than abuse for sexual dysfunctions are: partner is not affectionate’ unfaithfulness; being a caretaker for a sick partner; frequency of sex; penis size concerns; loss of job; abortion disagreement; no love; fear of being alone; making love time and acts discrepancies; sexual fantasies; not feeling loved; grief; depression and attempted suicide; being negatively sexually compared; loss of attraction; pain deliberately inflicted during sex.

SEX THERAPY

MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS

The following exercises will help you to rid yourself of your problems in sexually bound situations.

Guidelines

Be consistent.
You must do the sex therapy exercises every other day or every third day at the most.
You must be mentally stimulated (e.g., fantasies, pornographic films, magazines) in the same way every time you do the sex therapy exercises.
You must do sex therapy exercises through masturbation because this is a non-pressure situation.
You must use the same lubricant (e.g., baby oil, KY Jelly) every time you do the sex therapy exercises because you need to simulate intercourse.

Multiple Sexual Dysfunctions Priority Order to Remedy

When you have a single sexual dysfunction, then do that sex therapy exercise. However, if you have multiple sexual dysfunctions, there is a priority order in which the sex therapy exercises should be done in order to remedy all of the sexual dysfunctions.

Sexual Aversion Disorder
Premature Ejaculation
Male Orgasmic Disorder
Combination Male Orgasmic Disorder with Premature Ejaculation
Male Erectile Disorder
Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

HYPOACTIVE SEXUAL DESIRE DISORDER

· You have little or no desire to make love.

· You lose your desire before ejaculation when you make love.

· Your sexual urges, fantasies, or making love, are happening less than twice a month.

Note: You do not need a partner for this sex therapy exercise and it is preferred you do this exercise alone. If you do have a partner, do not make love before, during or after this exercise because it will create anxiety!

Mentally stimulate yourself.
If you do not feel comfortable, then stop and try another day.
If you do feel comfortable, then masturbate to orgasm.
If you do not get that far, it’s okay. Try it another day.

SEXUAL DESIRE DISORDER

· You have an aversion or revulsion to making love. You have an irrational fear of making love.

Note: You do need a partner for parts of this sex therapy exercise. Do not make love during or after this exercise because it will create anxiety!

Expose yourself to that aspect that you have an aversion to, or an irrational fear of a little at a time. Move at your own pace. Do not rush yourself. Do not move onto the next step until you are completely comfortable. Be as consistent as is possible. Do the appropriate exercise as often as your partner is agreeable, but still on a regular basis.

Masturbation

1. Use a lubricant of your choice and begin by gently stroking your genitals.

2. If you do not feel comfortable, then stop and try another day.

3. If you do feel comfortable, then continue and masturbate to orgasm.

4. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

5. Try it another day.

Touch & Oral Sex

You touching your partner’s genitals

1. Begin by getting close to your partner’s genitals.

2. If you do not feel comfortable, then stop and try another day.

3. If you do feel comfortable, then lightly touch your partner’s genitals.

4. Once you feel totally comfortable with this then put your mouth close to your partner’s genitals.

5. Once you feel totally comfortable with this then put your mouth on your partner’s genitals.

6. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

7. Try it another day.

Your partner touching your genitals

1. Begin by letting your partner get close to your genitals.

2. If you do not feel comfortable, then stop and try another day.

3. If you do feel comfortable, then let your partner lightly touch your genitals.

4. Once you feel totally comfortable with this then let your partner put her mouth close to your genitals.

5. Once you feel totally comfortable with this then let your partner put her mouth on your genitals.

6. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

7. Try it another day.

Intercourse

1. Begin by getting close to your partner’s genitals.

2. If you do not feel comfortable, then stop and try another day.

3. If you do feel comfortable, then place your genitals close to your partner’s genitals.

4. If you do feel comfortable, then place your genitals on your partner’s genitals.

5. If you do feel comfortable, then begin to have intercourse.

6. If you do feel comfortable, then complete intercourse to orgasm.

7. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

8. Try it another day.

MALE ERECTILE DISORDER

· You are unable to attain erections when making love.

· You have weak erections when making love.

· You have erections on and off when making love.

· You are unable to maintain adequate erections to complete intercourse to ejaculation when making love.

1st Step

1. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

2. Stop before you get the feeling to ejaculate.

3. Stopping means taking your hand away from your penis.

4. Do not think about sex at all.

5. You may or may not have an erection.

6. It’s okay if you don’t.

7. In time you will.

8. If you did have an erection, during this stopping time, your erection may go down.

9. If you do not get that far, it’s okay. Try it another day.

2nd Step

1. Once your erection goes down, put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

2. Stop before you get the feeling to ejaculate.

3. Stopping means taking your hand away from your penis.

4. Do not think about sex at all.

5. You may or may not have an erection.

6. It’s okay if you don’t.

7. In time you will.

8. If you did have an erection, during this stopping time, your erection may go down.

9. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

10. Try it another day.

3rd Step

1. Now for the last time, put the lubricant on your penis.

2. Masturbate to ejaculation.

3. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

4. Try it another day.

MALE ORGASMIC DISORDER

· You are unable to ejaculate when making love.

· You get the feeling to ejaculate, but then lose the feeling when making love.

1. Put the lubricant on your penis.

2. Mentally stimulate yourself.

3. Masturbate until you ejaculate.

4. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

5. Try it another day.

PREMATURE EJACULATION

· You ejaculate within 5 minutes or less when making love.

· You ejaculate before you desire when making love.

1st Start and Stop

1. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

2. You should get the feeling to ejaculate within 5 minutes or less.

3. When you get the feeling that you are close to ejaculation, stop.

4. The way that you stop is to take your hand away from your penis.

5. Take a couple of deep breaths, and wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

6. You might lose your erection.

7. This is normal.

8. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

9. Try it another day.

10. If you ejaculate before this 1st stop, then wait awhile and then try this sex therapy exercise again.

2nd Start and Stop

1. Wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

2. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

3. When you get the feeling that you are close to ejaculation, stop.

4. The way that you stop is to take your hand away from your penis.

5. Take a couple of deep breaths, and wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

6. You might lose your erection.

7. This is normal.

8. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

9. Try it another day.

10. If you ejaculate before this 2nd stop, then do not try this exercise again in the same day.

11. To do so may cause you to either have difficulty ejaculating, or be unable to ejaculate.

3rd Start and Stop

1. Wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

2. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

3. When you get the feeling that you are close to ejaculation, stop.

4. The way that you stop is to take your hand away from your penis.

5. Take a couple of deep breaths, and wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

6. You might lose your erection.

7. This is normal.

8. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

9. Try it another day.

10. If you ejaculate before this 3rd stop, then do not try this exercise again in the same day.

11. To do so may cause you to either have difficulty ejaculating or be unable to ejaculate.

4th Start to Ejaculation

1. Wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

2. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate to ejaculation.

3. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

4. Try it another day.

COMBINATION MALE ORGASMIC DISORDER

· You take a long time to ejaculate when making love.

· You are unable to ejaculate when making love.

· You get the feeling to ejaculate, but then lose the feeling when making love.

AND AT OTHER TIMES

· You ejaculate within 5 minutes or less when making love.

· You ejaculate before you desire when making love.

Note: If the Male Orgasmic Disorder happens first or more often, then do that exercise first. If the Premature Ejaculation happens first or more often, then do that exercise first.

MALE ORGASMIC DISORDER

1. Put the lubricant on your penis.

2. Mentally stimulate yourself.

3. Masturbate until you ejaculate.

4. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

5. Try it another day.

PREMATURE EJACULATION

For 2 weeks or until you can complete it, do the 1^st step and 4^th step.

1st Start and Stop

1. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

2. You should get the feeling to ejaculate within 5 minutes or less.

3. When you get the feeling that you are close to ejaculation, stop.

4. The way that you stop is to take your hand away from your penis.

5. Take a couple of deep breaths, and wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

6. You might lose your erection.

7. This is normal.

8. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

9. Try it another day.

10. If you ejaculate before this 1st stop, then wait awhile and then try this sex therapy exercise again.

4th Start to Ejaculation

1. Wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

2. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate to ejaculation.

3. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

4. Try it another day.

When you have gotten this far, then for the next 2 weeks or until you complete it, do the 1^st step, 2^nd step and 4^th step.

1st Start and Stop

1. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

2. You should get the feeling to ejaculate within 5 minutes or less.

3. When you get the feeling that you are close to ejaculation, stop.

4. The way that you stop is to take your hand away from your penis.

5. Take a couple of deep breaths, and wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

6. You might lose your erection.

7. This is normal.

8. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

9. Try it another day.

10. If you ejaculate before this 1st stop, then wait awhile and then try this sex therapy exercise again.

2nd Start and Stop

1. Wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

2. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

3. When you get the feeling that you are close to ejaculation, stop.

4. The way that you stop is to take your hand away from your penis.

5. Take a couple of deep breaths, and wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

6. You might lose your erection.

7. This is normal.

8. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

9. Try it another day.

10. If you ejaculate before this 2nd stop, then do not try this exercise again in the same day.

11. To do so may cause you to either have difficulty ejaculating, or be unable to ejaculate.

4th Start to Ejaculation

1. Wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

2. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate to ejaculation.

3. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

4. Try it another day.

When you have gotten this far, then for the next 2 weeks or until you can complete it, do the 1^st step, 2^nd step, 3^rd step and 4^th.

1st Start and Stop

1. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

2. You should get the feeling to ejaculate within 5 minutes or less.

3. When you get the feeling that you are close to ejaculation, stop.

4. The way that you stop is to take your hand away from your penis.

5. Take a couple of deep breaths, and wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

6. You might lose your erection.

7. This is normal.

8. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

9. Try it another day.

10. If you ejaculate before this 1st stop, then wait awhile and then try this sex therapy exercise again.

2nd Start and Stop

1. Wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

2. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

3. When you get the feeling that you are close to ejaculation, stop.

4. The way that you stop is to take your hand away from your penis.

5. Take a couple of deep breaths, and wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

6. You might lose your erection.

7. This is normal.

8. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

9. Try it another day.

10. If you ejaculate before this 2nd stop, then do not try this exercise again in the same day.

11. To do so may cause you to either have difficulty ejaculating, or be unable to ejaculate.

3rd Start and Stop

1. Wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

2. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate.

3. When you get the feeling that you are close to ejaculation, stop.

4. The way that you stop is to take your hand away from your penis.

5. Take a couple of deep breaths, and wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

6. You might lose your erection.

7. This is normal.

8. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

9. Try it another day.

10. If you ejaculate before this 3rd stop, then do not try this exercise again in the same day.

11. To do so may cause you to either have difficulty ejaculating or be unable to ejaculate.

4th Start to Ejaculation

1. Wait for the feeling to ejaculate to pass.

2. Put the lubricant on your penis and masturbate to ejaculation.

3. If you do not get that far, it’s okay.

4. Try it another day.

SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS WHEN MASTURBATING

· You are sexually dysfunctional when you masturbate but not when you make love.

· You have a conflict because masturbation is a non-pressure situation.

Note: You must first identify and remedy the conflict and then generally your sexual dysfunctions remedy themselves. If they do not, then do the appropriate sex therapy exercise for the sexual dysfunction you are experiencing.

SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS WHEN USING A CONDOM

· You are sexually dysfunctional only when you use a condom.

Note: Generally it’s because the condom is uncomfortable. Try different condoms to find the one that is the least uncomfortable. Once you do this, than masturbate using the condom until you find a comfort level. Then when you make love with the condom you will be sexually functional. If this does not happen, you have a conflict which means that you must first identify and remedy the conflict and then generally your sexual dysfunctions remedy themselves. If they do not, then do the appropriate sex therapy exercise for the sexual dysfunction you are experiencing.

FETISHES

Conflict Issues

Fetishes are caused by conflict issues which are psychological struggles within you.

Sex therapy for fetishes begins with being in therapy to identify your conflicts and the reasons why you have these conflicts. Most times the reason for fetishes is based on having been abused as a child. Once your conflicts are remedied (e.g. abuse) your fetishes will be remedied. If you also have sexual dysfunctions they will be remedied also.

While in therapy, if you also have sexual dysfunctions you can do the appropriate sex therapy exercise for sexual dysfunctions which may help with your anxiety.

MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS and BEHAVIOR PATTERNS re: TROUBLE IN PARADISE: EMOTIONAL & SEXUAL INTIMACY

DAMAGED SENSE OF SELF and resulting FEELINGS and a DISTORTED BELIEF SYSTEM of what you believe to be true about yourself and the world.
SELF-EXPRESSION JOURNAL & MIND THEATRE SCRIPTS

DESCRIPTIONS & CAUSES & SEX THERAPY

STATISTICS

IN ENDING

STATISTICS

MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS

# of Men & Male Sexual Dysfunctions

104 Male Erectile Disorder, Premature Ejaculation
207 Premature Ejaculation

8 Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder
1 Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, Sexual Aversion Disorder

1 Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, Sexual Aversion Disorder

4 Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, Male Erectile Disorder
1 Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, Male Erectile Disorder, Male Orgasmic Disorder

11        Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, Male Erectile Disorder, Male Orgasmic Disorder, Premature Ejaculation
5          Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, Male Erectile Disorder, Premature Ejaculation
2          Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, Male Orgasmic Disorder, Premature Ejaculation
8          Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, Premature Ejaculation

1          Sexual Aversion Disorder
85        Male Erectile Disorder
47        Male Erectile Disorder, Male Orgasmic Disorder
64        Male Erectile Disorder, Male Orgasmic Disorder, Premature Ejaculation

31 Male Orgasmic Disorder

44 Male Orgasmic Disorder, Premature Ejaculation
25 Unspecified Sexual Dysfunction(s)

# of Men & Age Span & Predominant Age

108      30 to 39           predominant age 39
1          19
71        20 to 29           predominant age 28
92        40 to 49           predominant age 45
48        50 to 59           predominant age 50
28        60 to 69           predominant age 60
6          70 to 79           predominant age 72
4          80 to 89           predominate age 82
276      age unknown

# of Men & Marital Status
223      1st Marriages
74        single
21        single in a relationship
3          engaged
3          2nd marriages
11        separated
38        divorced<>
63        end of relationship
2          divorced in a relationship
10        widowed
4          miscellaneous
259      marital statuses unknown

# of Men & Time Span from Realization / Onset of Sexual Dysfunction(s) until Seeking Therapy
43        2 Years / Couple of Years
1          3 - 4 weeks
1          1 month
10        2 months / couple of months
6          3 months / few months
3          3 - 4 months
2          4 months
2          5 months
1          5 - 6 months
15        6 months
2          6 - 7 months
1          6 months - 1 year
1          7 months
3          8 months
1          8 - 9 months
1          9 months
1          9 months - 1 year
24        1 year
2          1 year on and off
9          1 - 2 years
1          2 - 3 years
10        3 years / few years
1          3 years / few years on and off
11        3 - 4 years
2          4 years
6          5 years
1          5 - 6 years
6          6 years
1          6 years on and off
1          7 years
2          8 years
1          9 years
1          10 years
2          12 years
1          20 years
1          25 years
1          30 years
23        always
2          always on and off
8          awhile
35        long time
2          long time on and off
1          many years
3          most of his life
8          on and off
387      time span unknown

FETISHES

# of Men & Fetishes
17        Sexual Masochism (Predominant Single Fetish)
5          Sexual Masochism and Transvestic Fetishism (Predominant Multiple Fetishes)
2          Fetishism
1          Infantilism
5          Partialism
2          Transvestic Fetishism
1          Zoophilia
1          Exhibitionism and Fetishism and Frotteurism and Sexual Masochism and Urophilia
1          Infantilism and Sexual Masochism
2          Sexual Masochism and Urophilia

# of Men & Age Span & Predominant Age
4          30 to 39           predominant age 33
1          20 to 29           predominant age 26
2          40 to 49           no predominant age
1          50 to 59           predominant age 52
29        age unknown

# of Men & Marital Status
info lost 1^st Marriage
2          single
2          divorced
2          separated
24        marital status unknown

# of Men & Time Span from Realization / Onset of Sexual Dysfunction(s) until Seeking Therapy
37 time span unknown

MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS AND FETISHES

# of Men & Sexual Dysfunctions and Fetishes
9 Male Erectile Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Sexual Masochism
1 Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder & Partialism

1          Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder and Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder & Voyeurism
1          Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder and Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Partialism<>
1          Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder and Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Sexual Masochism
1          Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder & Transvestic Fetishism
1          Male Erectile Disorder & Exhibitionism
1          Male Erectile Disorder & Exhibitionism and Fetishism and Frotteurism and Sexual Masochism and Urophilia
1          Male Erectile Disorder & Exhibitionism and Transvestic Fetishism
1          Male Erectile Disorder & Partialism
1          Male Erectile Disorder & Partialism and Sexual Masochism
8          Male Erectile Disorder & Sexual Masochism<>
2          Male Erectile Disorder & Sexual Masochism and Transvestic Fetishism
1          Male Erectile Disorder & Sexual Sadism
1          Male Erectile Disorder & Transvestic Fetishism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder & Exhibitionism
4          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder & Sexual Masochism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder & Transvestic Fetishism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder & Urophilia
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Fetishism, Sexual Masochism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Partialism<>
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Partialism, Sexual Masochism
6          Male Erectile Disorder and Male <>Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Sexual Masochism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Sexual Masochism, Sexual Sadism
2          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Sexual Masochism, Transvestic Fetishism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Transvestic Fetishism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Exhibitionism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Premature Ejaculation, & Exhibitionism and Partialism and Sexual Masochism<>
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Fetishism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Fetishism and Sexual Masochism
1          Male Erectile Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Partialism and Sexual Masochism
1          Male Orgasmic Disorder & Fetishism
5          Male Orgasmic Disorder & Sexual Masochism
2          Male Orgasmic Disorder & Transvestic Fetishism
1          Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Partialism
1          Male Orgasmic Disorder and Premature Ejaculation & Transvestic Fetishism<>
1          Premature Ejaculation & Coprophilia and Fetishism and Partialism and Sexual Masochism and Transvestic Fetishism
1          Premature Ejaculation & Coprophilia and Fetishism and Partialism and Transvestic Fetishism
1          Premature Ejaculation & Fetishism and Partialism
1          Premature Ejaculation & Klismaphilia and Sexual Masochism
?          Premature Ejaculation & Klismaphilia and Sexual Masochism and Transvestic Fetishism and Urophilia
3          Premature Ejaculation & Partialism<>
2          Premature Ejaculation & Partialism and Sexual Masochism
1          Premature Ejaculation & Partialism and Transvestic Fetishism
5          Premature Ejaculation & Sexual Masochism
3          Premature Ejaculation & Sexual Masochism and Transvestic Fetishism
3          Premature Ejaculation & Transvestic Fetishism
3          Unspecified Sexual Dysfunction(s) & Fetish(es)
1          Unspecified Sexual Dysfunction(s) & Sexual Masochism
1                    Unspecified Sexual Dysfunction(s) & Sexual Masochism, Urophilia
1                    Unspecified Sexual Dysfunction(s) & Unspecified Fetish(es)

# of Men & Age Span & Predominant Age
11        40 to 49           no predominant age
1          20 to 29           predominant age 28
9          30 to 39           predominant age 33
4          50 to 59           predominant age 50

56 age unknown

# of Men & Marital Status
19        1^st Marriage
6          single in a relationship
18        single
4          divorced
2          separated
2          widowed
40        marital status unknown

# of Men & Time Span from Realization / Onset of Sexual Dysfunction(s) until Seeking Therapy
5 Always

2          6 months
1          8 - 9 months
1          1 year
3          1 - 2 years
4          2 years / couple of years
1          10 years
1          long time
73        time span unknown

IN ENDING

So ask yourself again …

Did you suffer abuse and was it really that bad?

By now you will know if you suffered abuse and if it was that bad. Did you think about what happened to you? Did you then know? Do you understand that in asking yourself this question you do not need to be concerned if your recollections and feelings are accurate because what you don’t remember by fact, you will remember by impressions? Do you realize that what your heart, mind and soul perceived is the truth? So, do you realize that the next time and every time you ask yourself if you suffered abuse and it was really that bad? Will you respond with the resounding truth! It was abuse and it was really that bad?

And then ask yourself again who you were then and who you are now.

My hope is that you will be able to answer: I am someone who is healing and in recovery. And because I am healing and recovery, I will not be a victim anymore. I am made up yesterday’s despair, today's hope and tomorrow's dreams, with mere shreds of myself that have refused to surrender and have refused to die.

THERAPY SESSIONS

THE END